Foster Child/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW I think the trick to a happy life is to take a boring job and make it fun. The exact opposite to what dr ruth does. To me taking out the garbage is the most demeaning repetitive job outside of politics. So I found a way to put a little zing into it. All's you need is an extension ladder and a shovel. Take your shovel and dig a hole. I know digging a hole is hard to do, but it's amazing, if you got a local prospectors club how fast they'll dig a hole if you tell 'em there's gold down there. And that's all there is to it. I call it my "cartapult." sorry I don't have time to explain that, but it's garbage day. [ laughter and applause ] [ cheering and applause ] yeah. By golly. Okay. Thank you very much. Hey, thank you. Yeah, I appreciate that. Big, big week up at the lodge this week. Guys had a special presentation for me last night to show their appreciation that I took the job as lodge leader so they didn't have to. Best part was they gave me a fly-in fishing trip this weekend up to pilot lodge on great slave lake. So I asked 'em, how can you guys afford such a great gift? And apparently, now, there's an emergency fund in an old tackle box under the main dock. I tell ya, if I'd have known that was there, it wouldn't be. Red! Red! I found the emergency fund! Oh, great. Open her up. Take a look! Maybe there's gold in here, huh? Could be. Could be. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is that maybe a gold fish? I don't think so. Maybe the fish ate the money. What's that note that fell out of the box there? There's a note there. Oh! What's that? Looks like a cheque. Yeah? Yeah. Probably somebody took the money and left an I.O.U. Can you read it? No, it's all smudged. No chit? Let me see that. You might want to go and talk to old man sedgwick about this. This is his stationery. How do you know that? It's parchment. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheering and applause ] today's prize is a 10-minute snatch and grab shopping spree at herby's house of pickles. "herby's, it's not just a pickle, "it's an alternate lifestyle." playing for today's prize is mr dwight cardiff of the port asbestos marina! [ applause ] mr cardiff, please cover your ears, okay. That's all right. I just won't listen. [ laughter ] okay, uh, mr green, you've got 30 seconds to get mr cardiff to say this word... And go! All right. Okay, dwight. When somebody gets everybody else to do all the work for them, that person is... A delegator. Okay, you know when you have a day where you do absolutely nothing? And you'll say to your friends, you know what, I'm having a real something day. A real good day. Okay, dwight, do you know what a sloth is? Yeah, I got a guard sloth at the marina. It hangs in the tree and pees on the trespassers. [ laughter ] you're almost out of time, mr green. Yeah, well, then dwight you'll be familiar with this expression... As something as a sloth. I'm finding this really tedious, red. C'mon, c'mon. As something as a sloth. We don't connect intellectually, red. This is so easy! As something as a sloth. You've said that three times. Are you gonna think of another clue or are you too lazy? There we go! [ cheering and applause ] [ bell ringing ] have a pickle. Hi, winston rothschild here. Next time you find yourself in a sewage or septic situation and you hire me to pump out your tank, I'm gonna throw in a little something for the kids... A toy septic truck! Hey, bobby, what do you think of your new septic truck? It really sucks. Let me show you. Neat, huh? That was my drink. That's not all. Act now and I'll throw in this winston rothschild sewage and septic sucking service action figure. What are his powers? Well, he's, uh, a sewage and septic sucking service action figure. You know, the original pokemon. Where's your drink? My -- hey, why don't you go run along and play with that, huh! Hey, look, there's barney. I know it sounds too good to be true, but it is! All I want is your business. And you get... One free toy septic truck, plus the bonus action figure. But supplies are limited. So act now before we get backlogged. [ applause ] I hear a lot of people talking about how living in the country isn't as good as living in the city. They say there's nothing to do, no fancy restaurants or crack houses or anything. Personally, I like living in the country. You know, it's a place where a creative person can express himself on a limited budget, and where the local building bylaws tend to be underenforced. I'll tell you what I'm talking about. This here is a dining tent where you go in there and enjoy a meal without the mosquitoes and flies getting in there. Or if you like mosquitoes and flies, you can take 'em in there with you and stop them from getting out. Well, today I'm going to turn this rural dining tent into a swank urban revolving restaurant. First thing I need is something to use as rollers. I went with these four-inch sewer pipes because that's the size the road construction crew was using. Once I get them all spread out, I'm gonna need a platform for my tent to sit on. I'm gonna use these, uh, sheets of plywood right here and, uh, I figured I needed a 16-foot diameter circle, so I had my dog on an eight-foot leash and just let him run around me. All I have to do is cut along the pawprints, and I've got my platform. [ roar of laughter and applause ] I'm using this fire hydrant as an anchor for the whole unit. It's strong, it's not going anywhere. I figure it'll come in handy when I have my kitchen fire. All I do is lay my boards over top of these rollers, and I'm gonna put 'em down with the road signs facing up. That way it'll feel like we're travelling all over the world -- well, all over my world. Those of you who studied physics -- you know, at the detention centre or whatever, you know that it doesn't take much power to turn a wheel as long as the wheel is big enough, and you apply the force to the very outside edge. So I got a wire brush hooked into my electric drill here and got her locked in the 'on' position. All I gotta do is plug her in, and we're in business. Oh, yeah, one more thing. Be sure to run your extension cord up through the centre of the unit, because if you run it on the outside, then when the platform turns, there could be problems. Okay, we're all ready for the final step, adding the restaurant. I bet they don't have anything like this in the city. [ chuckling ] so remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Let's take this restaurant for a spin, huh? Say, wouldn't a drink of water go good about now? [ laughter and applause ] I know something about middle aged men. They argue about absolutely everything. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Middle aged guys can't let anything drop. I've seen guys argue that black was white until they were blue in the face. This is not a good trait to have if you're a married person. If you're fool enough to argue with your wife, you better make sure that you are absolutely right. You better have a supreme court judge, a nobel prize winner and your wife's best friend on your side first, because arguing with your wife is like playing poker. And the more you dig in your heels, the higher the ante. And the higher the ante, the lower the uncle. That means you'll be sleeping on the couch. Here's a better way. Go over to your wife, look her in the eye and say, "honey, I'm wrong." make it sound like you mean it. And don't add "I guess" or "this time" or "for a change." go over to her. Do it now. You and I can argue about it later. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] well, it looks like my fly-in fishing trip has turned into the one that got away. Even if we can prove that it was old man sedgwick that took the money, there's no way he's gonna come up with 500 bucks. He can barely come up with a breath. Well, you were right, red. This is old man sedgwick's I.O.U. His dog recognized the scent. So did we get our 500 bucks back? Uh, no. No, not exactly. Old man sedgwick said he gave it to charity. Yeah, he got a request from the home for unwed mothers, so he made a donation. Are you saying that old man sedgwick had a child out of wedlock? No! No, no. No, no. He's trying to impress his father. [ laughter ] but he did it in the lodge's name because it was our money, so now the lodge has a foster child out there somewhere. Okay, that's good. It's always good to help out a youngster, even if it means I don't get to go on my fishing -- but you know, I'm gonna live another, what, five years? Sure. I'm sure I'll get another chance. Yep. Yeah, I knew you'd feel that way, so instead of going on the fishing trip, I'm arranging to have our foster child come to the lodge to spend the weekend with you, you know, seeing that you're the leader and all. [ laughter ] boy, this news just gets better and better, doesn't it? Yeah, you wouldn't go on that fishing trip now even if you could, would you, huh? Yeah, as a matter of fact, I would. Come on. Give up a chance to make a good impression on a kid? In a heartbeat, dalton. Oh, no, that's not the red green I know. Well, you're wrong. You can't fool me, red. Apparently I can. [ laughter and applause ] hi, winston rothschild here of rothschild's, the affordable sewage and septic sucking services. We'll drain your tank, not your bank. [ applause ] the year is 1913. Now, if you just woke up on the couch and heard me say that, don't panic. It's not really 1913, it's probably still the same year it was when you fell asleep. And now back to the show. The year is 1913. Richard nixon is born; hans geiger introduces the alpha ray counting device that bears his name; scientist h.N. Russell formulates his theory of stellar evolution; and here in possum lake, diamond jim braden becomes the first suit manufacturer to put zippers into men's pants. [ laughter ] things were rough around here when diamond jim came to town. Our only factory had just gone bankrupt. Humphrey's buggy whip company had an unexpected downturn in sales. My great grandfather lost everything when the factory went down... His job, his income, a place to sleep. Then this diamond jim comes along, right. He says he's gonna re-open the factory and haul everybody back to make pants with zippers in 'em. Oh, they all thought that was a great idea. Then they got this new sign for the factory... "diamond jim's... "everybody wants to get into my pants." I actually have the first pair of zippered fly pants that came off the assembly line. They put the zipper in horizontally. Daring and innovative, yes, but extremely stupid. Every major clothing manufacturer was going into production with zipper fly pants, so diamond jim needed to think of a solution and think of it fast. So he scrapped the side to side zipper and went with the conventional up and down. But they sewed the zippers in upside down. So instead of zipping up, they zipped down. Very, very dangerous. And believe me, I know dangerous. Like all sensible factory owners. Once diamond jim realised the company would never make money he sold it to the workers. The whole enterprise went under inside six weeks. Everyone lost their shirts in men's pants. So what was he? A man of vision, a bit of a rounder, a misunderstood genius, or just a guy who had trouble with buttons? Here's to you, diamond jim, possum lake's high flyer. [ applause ] [ huffing and puffing ] oh, red! Red green. Yeah. Quel surprise. Well, it can't be that big of a surprise. I just got outta the van a minute ago. Yeah, but, I mean, who knew you'd make it up the stairs in the same day? [ laughter ] you okay here, gord? Oh, very busy. Hectic. Things are nuts around here. Nuts. That would've been my guess. Just finished my newest educational feature. Could be my best work yet. Oh, yeah, you still drawing all the pictures yourself, making all the voices yourself? No, no, I decided I was spending too much time alone, so I brought in some other people to help me with the work. Oh, really? No, just kidding. [ laughter ] milkweed? No, thank you. [ ♪♪ ] [ sad music ] would you look at that? I just can't believe it. Well, you know, gord, for once I think you and I can actually agree on something. It's so beautiful. What?! You think pollution is beautiful? Pollution? What pollution? That's the cloud making factory. I see you two need a closer look. [ screaming ] hey, where did you two come from? (in french accent) you need zie permit to be in here, you know. It's okay, ladies. They're with me. Ranger gord! Ranger gord! [ giggling ] I'm just giving these two numskulls a quick tour of your wonderful factory. As a matter of fact, the tour is so quick that it's now over. Oh, ranger gord, would you let us send you up in a cloud? It would be our pleasure. (in french accent) oh, please, please, ranger gord. We just finished a real nice one. Well, that sounds swell, doesn't it, boys? O-o-oh! A-a-ah! You sure opened my mind today, ranger gord. It's important to realise that many things aren't what they seem. For example, we're a whole lot higher off the ground than you might think. If we fell off this cloud, we wouldn't hit the ground for a full two minutes. Uh, we're not that high up, gord. Some people always have to learn the hard way. [ laughing ] [ applause ] you know, when you get married you gotta learn to start paying attention. At first your wife will accept your faults, might even find them kinda cute. But eventually she's gonna start dropping hints like, "you're disgusting." next thing you know, she's packing your bags for you, and you weren't even planning on going anywhere. So before it gets that far, I suggest you start taking her comments seriously; otherwise, she'll take the matter into her own hands. [ laughter and applause ] you told your buddy you'd be happy to help him move all his stuff on Saturday. Yeah, but he didn't tell you that included his full collection of wurlitzer organs. He's got 17 of them. Too late to back out now. But if you start manhandling them organs, you're looking at six months in intensive care. Here's how to handle it, easy as pie. You turn up at his place all eager and enthusiastic. And then when he shows you all his keyboards and lies about how light they are, you act as though you wanna get right to work. But your buddy doesn't know that you've hidden an empty plastic water bottle under your shirt. When you bend over to pick up that organ... [ sound of plastic breaking ] it's gonna pop like five disks all herniated simultaneously. You're off the hook. Now all you have to do is crawl out to your car. Oh, and nod good-bye, as if maybe your arms aren't working so good. You might mention that you probably won't sue, no matter what your lawyer advises. Buddy won't be pulling that stunt with you again. Don't thank us. That's what friends are for. Well, this has been an interesting week. Started off normal. Then I won a lifelong dream fly-in fishing trip, and, of course, that was canceled. And now I can't go back to normal. No, no, I'm spending the weekend babysitting some kid I never even met. Red! Red! Yeah? Our foster child is here. Okay, great. Send him in. Come on in, chris! [ laughter ] yeah, yeah, this is crystal. Crystal, this is the man I told you about. Hello, mr sedgwick. No, no, I'm red. Call me red. Yep, she can see that. Old man sedgwick made that donation about 20 years ago. I always dreamed I would meet the wonderful strangers who helped me when I needed it most. [ laughter ] there are very special people in this lodge. And you're the leader, so you must be the most special. Well, I'm sure that's the way it is in many lodges, but -- dalton, dalton! She's not finished. Go ahead, crystal. No, that was pretty much it. All right, well, looks like you and I will be spending the weekend together. So what do you wanna do? You wanna boat ride? Or mini-golf? Whatever you want. Red, crystal was too modest to say, but she brought us a cheque for $500. It was the least I could do. Well, what do you say you and I blow that this weekend? I'm a special lodge leader. I can do anything I want. Stop kidding around. We know where you wanna go. You're going on a fishing trip! Oh, no, no. No, no, no. I can't go on the fish -- it wouldn't be fair to crystal. Too late now. Trip's booked. Oh, yeah? Who booked it? Your wife, bernice. [ laughter and applause ] well, then I'm going. [ possum squealing ] oh, meeting time. C'mon, crystal. I'll show you the rest of the guys. Great. Stay close now. [ applause ] well, if my wife is watching, and I'm sure you are, I think you made the right call sending me on the fishing trip. I'd rather catch a big one than tell a big one. And then be a big one. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, including crystal, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheering and applause ] crystal, you can sit there. Oh, all rise. Red: Uh, crystal can you just excuse us for a minute, please? Crystal: Sure. - Dalton: All rise. -- Red: There we go. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Sit down. All right, men, bow your heads for the men's prayer. (red speaking alone) I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com